Be Kinder, Be More Compassionate

My father's people said it differently.
They suggested we stop sh@tting in our own backyard.
We have to care for all of us because we are caring for ourselves.
I have to suggest that is something I think worth thinking about at the end of 2013.

Today I read a very sad article about a child that had a tonsillectomy to help sleep apnea, started bleeding, apparently could not be helped, had a heart fail, and she is now brain dead. Her family is trying to figure out what to do because for them stopping the ventilator is cruel-and I would imagine they can't believe what has happened. I don't understand, how could they?  Attached to the article were hundreds of the meanest remarks I've ever read. The child was maligned for her weight, the family for everything under the sun-including race. In the end I couldn't read all these comments to collect them into a data set around the kinds of things they were "conveying," one way I try to understand something, because it made me nauseated.

I could remember when Sylvia had her pectis surgery years ago-what if she had had some horrific event. Would I be strong enough to take her off that ventilator? I remember another family facing that at Stanford when I was there for heart tests, listening to their disbelief, as they tried to figure this out while they still saw the child seeming to breathe. Brain dead is so hard to see. When my mother died August 23 this year I had to insist on Do Not Resuscitate and reached my hand out doing that between the shock things and her chest because I knew that the Mom I knew wouldn't come back from that, but it might be sheer suffering and I took it was my job to help her suffer less. It was the hardest moments I've had. I'd heard a program by nurses in ICU's on NPR a month or so before and thought about long and hard what they said. It was cruel to put my need for Mom against what she was going through-pretty much the nurses were telling this on that program. But I have suffered a lot of nightmares, worry and it just isn't easy living with it after. Because death isn't for pussies.

But what if added to that I had to face the current court of American opinion. On an internet rife with crap. I can think of nothing worse. In my opinion we are losing it.

Look no further than the comments on pieces such as these I cited. Post a lousy, angry, spiteful one-sided comment-it's the rage, twitter is rampant with it. But what is happening for me is a deep sadness at what we are really doing to one another. Why do this? I would like the current neurosciences to explain it to me.

For one thing I keep seeing folks stating issues in biased and distorted ways, and then supporting that nonsense and pushing the other into arguing it on those distorted terms-happened to me tonight really. It seems like such a low form of behavior. Shooting fish in a barrel stuff. Weak minded. Then there is the attack on character, job, person. Plus the suggestion this is discussion or discourse. Or "dialog."
I am on a Facebook feed from the White House. I'd be on that no matter the President. To read the comments attached to a lovely holiday Presidential portrait of the President and family was just embarrassing-deeply so.  I saw a newspaper article on George Bush's painting. It happens I find his paintings charming, utterly wonderful actually,  so I just went to see this new one I could see was in the article-the comments attached to this were so incredibly vile. I see no reason for that. I can understand someone stating they feel his Presidency was a joke or whatever they need to express but this wasn't that. One person suggested painting was a way for him to regain power. Or image. It went on and on. Again I found it hard-I understand there are very emotional reasons for wanting to attack, but, is this a good thing?


One thing I do foresee is a country of hating. Of thinking that being mean, forceful, angry, cynical, is the same as "critical thinking" or "skepticism." I say that because I believe one fellow argued that with me when he attacked me personally in a way I would never do to him as a union representative for airlines, saying I could never teach his non-existent children after he took issue with my support of looking harder at testing practices in public school. It was then fair game to suggest I be fired-as he held a right wing view he felt empowered-to suggest I be offed, and added I was a bad mother, emotional, unstable. And then he stalked my blog.That's a lot of not being insightful into self, frankly.

So I took an entire year, 2013, and I said nothing unkind.
Period.
Harder was doing that on the inside. I failed sometimes inside.
I really monitored myself. A few times when I saw someone being incredibly unfair and non reflective  on-line I tried to put up a tiny mirror, but I did that very, very rarely because I am understanding that at least on-line very few folks want mirrors. Blast and run.

 I witnessed a great many things this year but my over-riding concern was  the pneumonia my Mom caught in January, her poor bouncing back, and non-recovery- our being together as much as possible until the last day in August. And then I don't really remember September or October except my class. They I do recall. But I focused on the goals I set-which were to meditate, to be present in my mother's suffering, to honor her life, to enjoy a new kitten, to be there as much as possible for my children and my class and to feel this. To try not to get bogged down in my opinions or in arguing, try not to state things to force others into corners, to seek compassion, understanding. Or simply remove myself.

I fail this at times.

But overall in 2013 I tried. Invisibility.

And frankly, as polarizing and self righteous as this may come off-I think we need to all strive for seeing ourself in others and others in ourselves. Far, far more.
We are in serious need of developing in our society far better sincerity, listening, respect, and to turn off the unkindness.
Hating is easy.
I have only me to work on in this respect.

I'm re-upping in 2014.