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Kanye West insists the audience boo these folks with the temerity not to stand when he orders them up.

He won't do the song if all do not rise before him.



What crappy behavior.



Why would anyone give this person money, power, influence, "a brand"?



Grow some compassion and spend time looking at who you are Kanye, you need only think about how you made these folks feel.

Every once in awhile I see a questionaire and I just want to do it.
I like this I think because my MOTHER loved to grill people with questions, she thought of it as good manners when most folks probably took it another way. Or not. I just know I miss her a year after her death and I miss being questioned. These would not be her thing, but it serves the purpose I think.
Just a silly post before I go to work on a Saturday! This comes from here.http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201310/36-questions-bring-you-closer-together



1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

My brother Ken. Old friends like the Catlett's. Though she is dead I'd give a lot to have Freda Vandervort or my Mom. I really have little interest in celebrity. Maybe I should say openly I feel I'm judged by looks, weight-so I think many "famous" would just see me as one looks at something disgusting. Also I have furniture that's worn out. Again I'd feel that. I can see no appeal I'd hold for those "famous" in some way I'd admire. I can see myself just wanting to thank them which i can do in a short note. Someone very kind, as I imagined Robin Williams-you think they might tolerate for a minute or so your thanking them, but I see most just putting up with it. At a dinner-that would get so odd. I'd like to offer dinner to those that care about me.

There is one person out there in the world I'd like as a guest because they hurt me deeply, in ways that did a good deal of damage and I'd like to look them in the eye and ask why. I'd like to understand their problem.I'm not talking to be mean. I'd like clarity..I'd like to close that and heal that and see that as it is.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

 Not as I once wanted. I wanted to write. No longer.  I think I'd like to be seen as really capable in some area-inventive. Fame to me now seems like the cultural "value" and as I sitt and meditate I see nothing "good" in that. What does this do?
Givesadvantage.
That I do not value.


3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?

 I have enormous struggles with phone calls-terrible apprehension so yeah, I kind of do rehearse. It always goes way worse in real life. I think this was how I first learned or figured out I have serious social anxiety. Work related ones are horrible. I rehearse to try to be able to cope and talk when I make the call-it never works. My mind shuts off like a kid experiences.


4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

 Painting all day and a nice break looking out the balcony of my pretend studio at nature. Or big city lights. Or a trip walking around a city, or going to Vienne France or a day with someone who cares for me...silly free day.


5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

Yesterday. Both.


6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

 I guess the body. I've suffered a lot.
Or..
Well I know what Alzheimer's looks like. This is tough, 


7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?


 Well I thought I was dying so many times. But, no. I have ways that increase the fear.


8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

 We love children and education, art, and we seem to share a deep similarity in regards to creativity.


9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 Family, friends and the million breaks I got on this planet.



10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

 I'd take away the cigarettes mom smoked, and Dad smoked.


11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

I lieu of that I'd ask him to tell me my life story or his, and I'd listen very hard to who he sees.


12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

 Play piano very well. Or lose weight very quickly and be athletic.


13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

 I'd kind of like to see my children's lives long from now-but....that might not be good. So no, no future looking for me.
I read this wrong.
I'd like to know what I can do to help other's like me and to help other's feel like I help their life.
I'd like to understand why other's see me as someone to do awful things to or to lie about or to gossip about, distort. I'd like to know why someone could over 3000 miles away read just some amazon reviews I wrote and then set about to hurt me . I am not being self pitying. Whatever I evoke-I'd like to understand that so I can change it. Or at least modify it.
I'd like to make other's feel supported and cared about.




14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

 Wearing a dress-I'm fat.
I long to be thin and to feel like I am a person that doesn't make others want to throw up seeing me. Or to have real invisibility.
I am trying to do that.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

 Having my children, teaching others to read. I've done nothing really. Drawing. Perhaps it was training myself to draw.


16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Loyalty and trust. Longevity, being there, knowing I'll not be told I waste their time, knowing that they will call on me for help.


17. What is your most treasured memory?


Way too many. But I do like to recall the births of my kids as huge moments.



18. What is your most terrible memory?


Mom's death. The agony of the loneliness after.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

 Yeah I'd try to go see Ken for a week, and visit a few people i love and miss. I might try to get the kid's ear a bit more to tell them about myself or to hear them, reassure them, make sure they know i love them and see them as strong. Try to mitigate the sorrow by saying I had a good life and minimize the poor me stuff-(no regretfulness )I'd take times especially for Jack. I'd take time to prepare him because it would be hard for him. I would just get on a plane and go discuss something with someone that hurt me-for my sake I think.



20. What does friendship mean to you?

 Humor, caring, interest in the other's lives/feelings, finding the good, supporting, not dragging a ton of hurt to their door. I've only just started to DO that over say that...and I fail all the times as my model was dragging hurt to another, It's something that I think of like beauty-you know it when you have it. I think of friendship as a true gift to another.
I think of friendship as not something to waste.


21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I hope I live a loving life. I hope it is a love driven life.


22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

His mind.
His music.
His creative, inquisitive nature.
His physical charm.
That he can take you as you are and that he evolves.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

 Well not so close physically. I feel my childhood was both wonderful and fearful. My feeling is that I was not protected as a child should be-and my childhood bore horrendous emotion destruction- and by 15 my father utterly abandoned me. I feel my dad damaged me by not loving and caring and lying to himself and others about HIS behavior. So that's hard and sad. But I had other wonderful things. And some unbelievably cruel unnecessary things.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

I love her dearly. Her death was so hard, is so hard.
I regret things for her. 
She encouraged my art.
She cared the best she could.
Her addiction to cigarettes often controlled her.
She had awful anxiety-I'm so sad about that.
She was a million times smarter than I ever will be.
We were very close. It was very hard to see her suffer.
She loved to laugh. I miss laughing-Jack has no humor really. So I miss it so much.


25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling..."

Well we both don't know I'm doing this.
We both  love France.
We both are feeling sleepy this morning.


26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

 stories of my life and their life. A cup of cappuccino, or anything I cook-much is rejected. How about share a steak?

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.


I am.  That I struggle with being judged and that I am sensitive to rejection and abandonment and that my art supplies are not his art supplies-I cannot have a respect for that intrusion.


28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

 I like hands.
I like an ability to care about my feelings.
I like when he shows up.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.


I do. All the time. Right now every minute I'm teaching-hard year.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

A week ago, after teaching Friday. I rarely cry but this school year I am. Alone and with others.
Mostly alone. Well I cried a year alone. I don't think anyone knew after Mom died.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

 Sure-skin.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Lots of stuff. I am struggling with humor that seems to be cruelty in disguise.
I'm not into jokes about beheading.


33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

 I just don't know. I think more astounding is when you tell someone something important-you care for them and they just don't seem to give a nut about that. It's so trivial to them. So easily thrown away.  I want my family and friends to forgive me for my failings. And I want them to know I really did appreciate and see them as wonderful. I'm sorry for any hurt.


34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?


Pictures. To remember.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?


My husband, my kids, my mom I had to face, my father, my brother, my close friends. Honestly this seems strange. I know we do face death. I just  love them so much. My kids.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

He's sleeping and hates things like this more than anything. But he does try to help in his way with my issues. I might actually share I'm trying to do a better job of solving my own issues.
 I've really needed him on this TK job.
I'd like him to help me hold a system accountable.
And dealing with Mom's death. And with health issues.
And to better understand why the last ten years were hard in some particular ways.


Turns out this was not exciting-sorry/

It turns out teaching TK, so far-three weeks- is the hardest job I ever had.
Except delivering balloons, all the fast food, working in grocery, and the class in Watts.
I'm not a good clown. BTW
I looked great-full make-up, big bushy rainbow afro.
But after that I could not be funny-it was a case of here is your balloons, see ya.
I had to sing sometimes when folks ordered the singing balloon bouquet.
TK right now is exactly like that.
I'm brave to try. In fact I'm brave to teach different levels and sustain being out of my comfort zone.


Every September 11 I like to read a poem my daughter wrote a good while ago on September 11 as she helped me teach. She was getting ready then to go back to CalTech. It is a poem, by Sylvia Mary Puglisi-who just got engaged on Labor Day, in Europe while traveling.

This poem was written exactly while my daughter was teaching in my room, she was listening to me read a book.
She captured, for me, something that I feel but cannot-myself-put into form.


september 11th, by Sylvia Puglisi,
A depressing sort of poem. But there could hardly be a happy one today, I suppose.

* * *

september 11
17 first-graders
moment of silence skipped
for the immediacy of fresh strawberries
and the novelty of pencil sharpeners
(which may never wear off in this lifetime)

invisible principal over the intercom
(like in the old cartoons that reliably reproduced so many aspects of school particularly the cliched plots and precocious love lives)
reading bad poetry in a
flat lifeless voice
like shakespeare in junior high
with unenthused classmates
esoteric
and meaningless.
stephen asks me to sharp his pencil
and wonders why i
teacher stands there for several moments
staring blankly ahead
looking like she's about to cry
and then laughing quietly
at how absurd it all is.

come to the rug, children.
i want to tell you a story
of something that happened before you were born
to people you will never get to know
in a place you've never been.
(next will be a story of a
giant blue-green ball hurtling through space
and a giant yellow ball
they hold like lovers
el sol y la tierra
we love story time
especially doctor seuss!)

in the story it is a tuesday
just like today.
here is the sign for tuesday, make a t with your fingers and circle
tuesday
a cold bright tuesday just like today
it was september 11 that day
just like today.
september is a long word that starts with an s
and let's count to eleven
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven
and in spanish
uno dos tres quatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve diez once
once upon a time
in the year 2001
before most of you were
born or when you were the tiniest infant
gnawing your fist and smiling to the delight of your parents.
on a day just like today
when little children just like you were counting the date
a bad thing happened.
a very bad thing.

bad people
very angry, nasty people
who perhaps did not have enough
people to love them
hurt our country
the United States of America
you know America in sign language, children
it is like a hug in a circle
show me, children.

our country was attacked
some airplanes were flown into buildings
important buildings
two tall ones in New York
which fell down
also a military building called the Pentagon
which has five sides
show me five fingers, children.
very good.
and the last plane
the good people took from the bad people
and flew into the ground instead of a building.
many, many people died.
the people in the planes and the buildings
and some of the firefighters who tried to save them
they were heros, do you know that word?
it means brave, brave people who did something amazing
like going into a building that is on fire and falling down
and rescuing people.
are you listening, children?
isaac, put your head down.

this was the biggest attack on American soil ever
which means
that it was really scary for us
really scary for your parents
who probably grabbed you
their babies
from the cradles
and held you close
and whispered soft comforting words to themselves
as they watched pictures on the tv
and cried or
just sat
watching.

the world is different now
you don't know because you don't remember
how it was before
you can't ever know the time when parents
worried about teething rings and toes
and not fiery explosions.
you weren't sitting there like i was
in a classroom on tuesday
(which was picture day and everyone
was dressed to the nines
it was two days after my birthday
and i had new clothes
i was looking sharp)
a whisper went around
that something terrible had happened
a disaster
an earthquake
a bomb
people were dying
where? new york
new york which was more magical and mystical to us than disneyland
new york with the giant apple and the statue of liberty
with the buildings that scraped the sky.

there was a moment of silence

kids fidgeted a little just like
you fidget today just like
we fidgeted when old men with gravelly voices told us of pearl harbor.
they speak of it like an old scar
the memory is still fresh.
september 11 is for me a cut
that it took a long time for me to realize was bleeding
like the scrape on the leg that i got from band
which i didn't feel at the time any more than a poke
but later my band teacher gasped and
pointed at when the blood was dripping to the floor.
i have a scar now, too.

but you children have no scars
you are young and
tiny and unblemished and i
truly hope no history is made in your lifetime
because it is a messy business
or so i have found.
we with memory scars will age and fade
recounting stories for
our childrens' school reports on historical events.
you will grow and replace us and get your own scars
falling off your bicycle.
you will remember the date as a
sad story and me
teacher crying a little when you're not looking
and so will move past me
into the future
without my fears and doubts.

this consoles me, children
on this big blue ball going around the big yellow ball
you have danced around six times
keep dancing, children
the slow beautiful waltz of time.