1. september 11th, by Sylvia Puglisi,
    A depressing sort of poem. But there could hardly be a happy one today, I suppose.

    * * *

    september 11
    17 first-graders
    moment of silence skipped
    for the immediacy of fresh strawberries
    and the novelty of pencil sharpeners
    (which may never wear off in this lifetime)

    invisible principal over the intercom
    (like in the old cartoons that reliably reproduced so many aspects of school particularly the cliched plots and precocious love lives)
    reading bad poetry in a
    flat lifeless voice
    like shakespeare in junior high
    with unenthused classmates
    esoteric
    and meaningless.
    stephen asks me to sharp his pencil
    and wonders why i
    teacher stands there for several moments
    staring blankly ahead
    looking like she's about to cry
    and then laughing quietly
    at how absurd it all is.

    come to the rug, children.
    i want to tell you a story
    of something that happened before you were born
    to people you will never get to know
    in a place you've never been.
    (next will be a story of a
    giant blue-green ball hurtling through space
    and a giant yellow ball
    they hold like lovers
    el sol y la tierra
    we love story time
    especially doctor seuss!)

    in the story it is a tuesday
    just like today.
    here is the sign for tuesday, make a t with your fingers and circle
    tuesday
    a cold bright tuesday just like today
    it was september 11 that day
    just like today.
    september is a long word that starts with an s
    and let's count to eleven
    one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven
    and in spanish
    uno dos tres quatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve diez once
    once upon a time
    in the year 2001
    before most of you were
    born or when you were the tiniest infant
    gnawing your fist and smiling to the delight of your parents.
    on a day just like today
    when little children just like you were counting the date
    a bad thing happened.
    a very bad thing.

    bad people
    very angry, nasty people
    who perhaps did not have enough
    people to love them
    hurt our country
    the United States of America
    you know America in sign language, children
    it is like a hug in a circle
    show me, children.

    our country was attacked
    some airplanes were flown into buildings
    important buildings
    two tall ones in New York
    which fell down
    also a military building called the Pentagon
    which has five sides
    show me five fingers, children.
    very good.
    and the last plane
    the good people took from the bad people
    and flew into the ground instead of a building.
    many, many people died.
    the people in the planes and the buildings
    and some of the firefighters who tried to save them
    they were heros, do you know that word?
    it means brave, brave people who did something amazing
    like going into a building that is on fire and falling down
    and rescuing people.
    are you listening, children?
    isaac, put your head down.

    this was the biggest attack on American soil ever
    which means
    that it was really scary for us
    really scary for your parents
    who probably grabbed you
    their babies
    from the cradles
    and held you close
    and whispered soft comforting words to themselves
    as they watched pictures on the tv
    and cried or
    just sat
    watching.

    the world is different now
    you don't know because you don't remember
    how it was before
    you can't ever know the time when parents
    worried about teething rings and toes
    and not fiery explosions.
    you weren't sitting there like i was
    in a classroom on tuesday
    (which was picture day and everyone
    was dressed to the nines
    it was two days after my birthday
    and i had new clothes
    i was looking sharp)
    a whisper went around
    that something terrible had happened
    a disaster
    an earthquake
    a bomb
    people were dying
    where? new york
    new york which was more magical and mystical to us than disneyland
    new york with the giant apple and the statue of liberty
    with the buildings that scraped the sky.

    there was a moment of silence

    kids fidgeted a little just like
    you fidget today just like
    we fidgeted when old men with gravelly voices told us of pearl harbor.
    they speak of it like an old scar
    the memory is still fresh.
    september 11 is for me a cut
    that it took a long time for me to realize was bleeding
    like the scrape on the leg that i got from band
    which i didn't feel at the time any more than a poke
    but later my band teacher gasped and
    pointed at when the blood was dripping to the floor.
    i have a scar now, too.

    but you children have no scars
    you are young and
    tiny and unblemished and i
    truly hope no history is made in your lifetime
    because it is a messy business
    or so i have found.
    we with memory scars will age and fade
    recounting stories for
    our childrens' school reports on historical events.
    you will grow and replace us and get your own scars
    falling off your bicycle.
    you will remember the date as a
    sad story and me
    teacher crying a little when you're not looking
    and so will move past me
    into the future
    without my fears and doubts.

    this consoles me, children
    on this big blue ball going around the big yellow ball
    you have danced around six times
    keep dancing, children
    the slow beautiful waltz of time.
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  2. I cleaned my closet today. It's large and a walk in and I'm lucky to have it. Sadly it has been stuffed full for a long time, mostly things I can't fit in, or are gastlywhen I'm in them.  It represents my spending during times I was ill, really. And horrific taste. 

    Anyway loads of donations are waiting to go. I also cleaned out my dresser finding these cards below from my children. I had to put this on my blog to be able to talk about how I feel finding them.  The saddest part is I only recall one of the cards. So I sat awhile today thinking about how it was for them to have a mom that went to forty colonoscopies, at least forty PET and CAT scans, who had five major gastro bleeds, six bouts of peritonitis, two intestinal cancer surgeries, one 18 day stay in the hospital due to the tumor they didn't figure out, an exploratory surgery, boy maybe twenty kidney stones where I had to go to a hospital suddenly, three kidney stone surgeries one with life threatening infection, unbelievable issues leading to ER visits and then years of struggle with the syrinx and back surgery for a herniated disc after five years. Sadly there is more. I don't recall it all, I know I've given blood samples so much you can't get them now with destroyed veins, hundreds of times, hours of infusions. My kids grew up through this. 
    Imagine. 

    They made me these cards. They are beautifully drawn. And I just used to pray let me see them to adulthood. It's Luca I think that got the worst of it. Somehow. 

    As I looked at all these clothes today throwing them in bags I just felt done with  those days. I honestly can't recall things I know due to anesthetics and damage to my mind. At the stage they made these cards I didn't know a me any more. 

    I was lost and broken. 

    Except for these children. 




     




     


     


     

    This one I remembered. 



     


     
     I have years of beautiful cards they've made. But these ones spoke to me because they were from time wiped away from me. My children never complain but they have rights to. They had a very scary mom. Too often rushed to emergency. I'm so sad for that. I cannot really relate as my mom never was ill. Or dizzy. Or that sick until her stroke when I was no longer little-  probably 20. 
    It was awful as it was diagnosed as schizophrenia because she heard voices but it was a stroke in a part of the brain that has aural hallucinations. She suffered double vision and so much more. She was my age now.

    I learned in my forties all you think you know of self, life is easily just a perception that alters, radically. It was a lot to learn. 
    Then I encountered a person and then some others that stripped away any illusions I might have of finding love and care in others. The forties were hard on me but my unavailability to my kids hurts  I pray I did ok. But I know. 

    Their care for me I just see in these cards. My gosh I see it. 

    I love them all dearly. Sylvia, Sophia and Luca. The dearest. 
     
     
     

     
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  3. See my Mrs. Puglisi's 100 National Standards
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    Two lovely pictures were made for me (and my mom) by my daughter Syl for Mother's Day.
    She's taking a painting class at Caltech, but she's been raised drawing- and certainly lived in museums.
    She really likes Magritte. This painting, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" is a piece in my art, art history, painting and philosophy classes that took us into interesting discussions. But my daughter doesn't know that.

    Of it Magritte said:
    "The famous pipe. How people reproached me for it! And yet, could you stuff my pipe? No, it's just a representation, is it not? So if I had written on my picture "This is a pipe," I'd have been lying!"
    And I found searching this realistic abstraction took me in interesting directions on a net I haven't decided is real or abstract, e-stract I believe.




    Right now she's doing a Magritte image or homage in a painting she says will take "three months" and is "very, very small." I love hearing her talk to me about the things she's learning, translated through her lens. My daughter Sophia, to be able to take art or painting, had to take a kind of "What is art?" class at UCSB,and listening to her describe what she is studying is similarly fascinating. The class started with the performance art where the guy has his friend shoot him. Welcome to my world girls.

    I decided to put the phrase from the painting into a google search and turned up this.
    "To Paint is Not To Affirm" Foucault

    I want to grab that page and put it here, it's very interesting, but I shouldn't.
    It's just fascinating to think about image, thing, word, meaning, abstraction, real, nothing.....

    From Wiki I found that others have thought awhile on this pipe, admittedly cracking me up (pun there if you look):
    French literary critic and philosopher Michel Foucault discusses the painting and its paradox in his 1973 book, This Is Not a Pipe (English edition, 1991).
    In Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics, the painting is used as an introduction to the second chapter. McCloud points out that, not only is the version that appears in his book not a pipe, it is actually several printed copies of a drawing of a painting of a pipe.[4]
    Douglas Hofstadter also discusses this painting and other images like it in Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid, a work on cognition and consciousness.[5]
    Then I found a fascinating "review."

    This could be a pipe:
    Foucault, irrealism and Ceci n'est pas une pipe

    by G.S. Evans


    It had a quote most interesting that drew me in:

    "This is not a pipe." Foucault argued that the incongruity between the pipe and its legend illustrated his position, stated elsewhere, that "[neither words nor the visible] can be reduced to the other's terms: it is in vain that we say what we see; what we see never resides in what we say. And it is in vain that we attempt to show, by the use of images, metaphors, or similes, what we are saying..." [p.9]. Thus, he argued, the drawing (and the series of paintings by Magritte that it inspired) strips us of the certainty that the pipe is a pipe, and "inaugurates a play of transferences that run, proliferate, propagate, and correspond within the layout of the painting, affirming and representing nothing."
    Then I read this excerpt:

    But to what end this strangeness? Foucault considers it to be Magritte's contribution to the anti-linguistic program of modernism, intended to show, in the words of James Harkness' introduction to Foucault's essay, that "a painting is nothing other than itself, autonomous from the language that lies buried in representational realism." But where painters such as Klee and Kandinsky used abstraction to make their point, Magritte "allows the old space of representation to rule, but only at the surface, no more than a polished stone, bearing words and shapes: beneath, nothing." [41] In spite of initial appearances, a work by Magritte is a "gravestone" of representational realism. "Magritte names his paintings in order to focus attention upon the very act of naming," Foucault writes. "And yet in this split and drifting space, strange bonds are knit, there occur intrusions, brusque and destructive invasions, avalanches of images into the milieu of words, and verbal lightning flashes that streak and shatter the drawings." [p.36] Magritte thus helps to overthrow two principles that, according to Foucault, long governed painting. The first is the principle of resemblance, which "presumes a primary reference that prescribes and classes" copies, where "either the text is ruled by the image (as in those paintings where a book, an inscription, or the name of a person are represented); or else the image is ruled by the text (as in books where a drawing completes, as if it were merely taking a short cut, the message that words are charged to represent)." Where "verbal signs and visual representations are never given at once. An order always hierarchizes them, running from the figure to discourse or from discourse to the figure." [32-33] The second, related principle is that there is "an equivalence between the fact of resemblance and the affirmation of a representative bond. Let a figure resemble an object (or some other figure), and that alone is enough for there to slip into the pure play of the painting a statement--obvious, banal, repeated a thousand times yet almost always silent...[that] 'what you see is that.'" [34]
    Magritte's unraveled calligrams, according to Foucault, help to show that neither language nor painting "can be reduced to the other's terms: it is in vain that we say what we see; what we see never resides in what we say."
    And that was interesting.
    Then the essayist argues their understandings, taking Foucault to task:
    "...Foucault--in this essay, and for whatever reason--hasn't provided us with any rationale for his complete rejection of the image as an analogue of the object. We must look elsewhere in his writing to try and deduce this rationale, which very quickly brings us to Foucault's argument in The Order of Things that there is a mystical identification of words with the essences of things in Western culture, where languages "speak the heaven and the earth of which they are the image; [and] reproduce in their most material architecture the cross whose coming they announce--that coming which established its existence in turn through the Scriptures and the Word." This way of thinking (which Foucault considers to be a foundation of Western thought), then, goes back all the way to the Old Testament, where the Word is the Beginning. Thus the word "pipe" can't serve as a pointer for the simple reason that it has already become, in the mind of the viewer of the drawing, the thing itself in this mystical, Platonic fashion. And hence the quandary that Foucault suggests, and which forms the basis for the rest of his essay.
    But we are not convinced that this saves Foucault's explanation: evoking this mystical bond still doesn't, in our view, explain why the viewer so readily accepts that the drawing of the pipe is an analogue of the pipe. Even in that moment when the viewer, in considering the basic paradox of the drawing, suspends the judgment, "this is a drawing of a pipe" (at which level the title of the drawing is very much true), and accepts the drawn pipe as being a "real" pipe (at which point the title becomes absurd), he or she doesn't, as we've already said, reach for the pipe to smoke it. In any case, this moment when the viewer becomes captivated by the drawing can be likened to the kind of reverie that we enter into when we read a book, watch a movie, etc.: where we go from seeing or experiencing the analogues as only being representations to actually being the thing itself. But, as with any reverie, a sudden contact with "reality" will snap the viewer out of it. The viewer of Magritte's drawing, once he enters this reverie, might well be thinking "this is a pipe"--indeed must be if he or she will take any interest in the drawing beyond its technical or material aspects--but a loud noise, another viewer in the gallery, a call coming into his or her cell phone, will all bring the viewer back to the realization that the drawn pipe is simply a representation of a "real" pipe. If this, then, is the mystical bond Foucault is speaking of, it is a short-lived one. "

    My Mother's day pipe, not pipe, is so awesome. It reminds me of how hard it is to talk to the love I have for my kids. The joy in their thinking, lives. Their humor. And to get a pipe, not pipe, from your child for Mother's day, a treatise on meanings, analogies, the slippery slopes of art, image, meaning that defined my thinking life-this is really such a fascinating perception.
    Now this searching took me kind of all over, you can imagine.

    What is Art?

    On Flickr I found a few images that made me laugh:
    If Magritte Were a Monkey by changoblanco.

    Ceci n'est pas une pipe by PΛRT ΘF MΞ {avraham cornfeld}.
    ceci n'est pas une pipe by emdot.

    Ceci n'est pas Magritte by standickinson.
    All titled like the painting.

    It's funny but now I think of this image as a statement on iconographic images.
    And it does have a "strangeness" that is hard to hold.
    A wonderful gift for her Momma. Happy Mother's Day.


    ( Just found this funny link.)
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  4. I got up this morning at 5 AM which I do everyday. This morning felt like trying to swim through a thick layered suffocating fog, probably because I was in a pretty deep dream and struggled to stay awake.  I tried to remember the dream but it was gone by the time I reached the bathroom.  One of the cats reminded me of the morning chores then too-hungry and wanting he tripped me on the stairs. 

    When you are a public school teacher there are the home chores and the school ones. I did the dishes folks left, unloaded and loaded dishes, fed cats, unhooked twelve tablets I got donated and bring home to charge, tried to change litter, pack a lunch I forgot anyway, loaded water bottles in the fridge that will be gone when I get home, and just pulled myself out the door. Then I drove to work. I get to school by 7.

    Today was a little different because one of my daughters is visiting. Also because one of my 5 year old students brought a cell phone. It was one of the first things ratted out this morning. She not only had it, it began incessantly ringing almost to the second I learned she had it. Long story short she took it to impress her friends. They weren't impressed enough to overwhelm her crying and super huge freak out when my aide took it to the office and they told her mom the phone was at school. My day went a bit south because this normally silent child was losing it. Her words-losing it. She and the bevy of girls I teach were in support mode for the next two hours as she begged to go home "sick. "  she developed quite a few illnesses including bad foot. She was not sick. But that pretty much tanked the feeling tone. I just held firm on you do not need to go home right now. Making me the room meanie. 

    I actually think her mom was relieved she had it at school over the phone being stolen. 

    The day was filled with centers, lessons, incomplete thoughts, tasks like hauling the garden center outside- a bit of a haul for me. I had to cancel a lunch plan and went to help a very good K teacher I learn ideas from. I work there after my kids go home. I enjoy it. Energy I'm putting into helping one child in my room maybe is helping. No one got punched today. 

    And the backpack came back. 

    A backpack disappeared from a student in January. At our school nothing like that has happened. And my playyard and area for my kids is very protected so when it disappearred in January it was so strange. After snack at nine it was gone. In it was everything you'd ever want. It was a lovely canvass pack with stars all over the navy. It looked to me like a Carl Sagan pack if such a thing exists. It disappeared with a lunchbox that matched and a pouch and more including a Scholastic book order check. I've talked to her mom several times about it all because I was very worried about the check. I bought her the same pack in February I felt so bad about all this. And reordered her books with family writing a new check. One day in March the scholastic check appeared in the office so I could return it for the family to destroy. That was odd. It was found lose on the school grounds. We've had enough rain to totally destroy a check. Yet there it was found out In the elements. You can tell I've given this a lot of thought. The books came. And I began a complete school search for the pack telling everyone. Everyone. 
    But no backpack. But I held out hope. 

    Today my aide said she saw it on a lostband found rack in the upper grades. And yes, I'd checked that place weeks ago. So in came the lost pack looking exactly the same. Or stolen pack -all completely fine. Every single thing intact. 

    That made today interesting to me as I await the day I actually learn who had it. I believe We will learn the true story. 

    As I was in the office reporting on all of this, a call came in to me. Incredibly rare I get called. They hung up. I used the restroom and they phoned again. So I took the call. In the office which I never do. 

    The momma was crying. She's sorry her son isn't doing the homework. I send a few letter review pages and a work on your name page for the week. Her son knows his name and letters. Which is awesome. She said haltingly he doesn't know but she's fighting cancer. 



    Walking back to my room I was thinking about the hundreds of interactions, lessons, moments in this day. Ones in the moment, ones with ties to other days like that disappearing pack. When I gave it to my student today she yelled out-"finally I knew it would come back. "

    I didn't. My faith in that was so low I bought another pack, which while identical, was NOT the same. Her father bought her the original and that pack for her was about all that is good in this life. My pack was more about a loss of innocence. The return of the original restored a true cheerfulness to my student I saw from a mile away. 

    And then I also sent home report cards. 

    School is a magical
    Place. It has layers, mysteries, things complex. Today's journey was just a quick pause in seeing school as a wonderously interesting ripple across the surface. 

    A strange thing to try and share. But nothing like I hear described by school reformers and those that have left the classroom. Just not what they choose to put out as what it all is. And that's a shame really. 


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  5. Those are my daughters-MARCHING in Los Angeles on one of the most important days Women have known collectively, January 2017

     When you wake at seven and look at your Facebook to see coverage of the numbers at the Women's Marches worldwide it's hard to see an article dissing feminism (and all that was) because someone was offended a couple kids marched yesterday somewhere in America topless.
    But such was my morning and such is my niece.
    This niece when she was writing stories that were incredible and so personal, and small showing me on a rare visit, I praised as maybe one day being a writer. Her head of the family father loudly told me off. The second time that December day he chose to do that, before I hid in the bathroom. The other was for his take on Blacks. He loudly told me her job would be "being a mother." Period.
    And he let her hear it.
    These are the things I'm never supposed to utter to get my family card. 



    Feminists brought you dear girls of my family some fundamental rights, and a long way.
    You can diss them now because they stood for your right to do so.
    On the backs of giants we place our feet.
    History happened.

    When I was young I had my first teacher interview for a job that paid me eight thousand a year. Half time job- all I could hope for in Morgantown then. In that interview I was asked- did I plan on ever marrying, was I going to ever get pregnant, was I going to or did I date, did I miss days for my period. Mr Walls asked me these things as he told me because hiring a woman could be a real problem. Also to see what kind of person I was. To this day he is thought of as an exceptional principal.  He did hire me. He informed me I could not wear pants and the outfit I was wearing looked less expensive than it should. It was a wool skirt below my knees. All I could afford. And he hired me. I was grateful for that. I did not dream of, nor ever ,question him. Much like my brother in law-the expectation was-he's to be left unchallenged.

     When my mother was in her twenties and worked for the phone company to support my father as he got a PHD she was called honey at work. She stated to me she was thankful for that work. Women as phone operators was a very good job then. Not well paid, but something allowed to women. She appreciated the job all her life. She lived in fear in the 1950s it would become known she was a divorcee she told me before she died as she had a first husband that abandoned her. And that would mean her job was lost. Dad made her promise she'd never tell even her kids. And had I not asked her directly and forced the issue-as she was honest-I'd never have known. Imagine the shock I had in my teens when I found a ring in her tiny jewelry box as Dad divorced her.  She also failed to reveal her father as an abuser-that fell to a question too in her last year of life. He broke her mother's back before their later years divorce.

    You can be "over" feminists because you are ignorant of history, but you will not erase as long as I breathe who brought you into a situation where you can think independently about situations like in my life, get jobs, own property, rent apartments and basically live in independence if you choose. Feminists gave you that and more. When my mother moved to Morgantown she tried to rent their new apartment. By then my father was a graduate student too busy for this. She was inquiring of a bank president named Evans-a family friend later-and he informed her he would deal only with Dad and to let the men "handle it." In the early 1960's. Things my dear niece are different in ways you cannot hope to know.

    Yesterday women of all colors and creeds put their feet on the pavement for their daughters.
     So that they can be scientists as well as mothers. So they can choose things. And to answer a President who might grab them "by the pussy. " And because of a million reasons a Woman's March right now matters.

    Feminism gave us a forum once to even question what was dished out.
    And someone wrote this mess or a response or a like to reveal on my Facebook in some article about being over feminism, that they are so over feminists because a couple marched yesterday shirtless. Emboldened in the moment. Yikes.
     Perhaps you forget history and therefore are doomed to repeat it. Feminists called out once things like women draped on bear rugs for men's pleasure. Like we saw from the first lady. Like some of us are over.
    Sadly a niece we marched for as a family posted a "like"for that anti-feminist view.  Go read the words and study the feminist Gloria Steinem who spoke at the Washington rally. Yes use her actual intellectually framed words, over the antics of a few women shown to prop up a notion all women marching were naked or aborting. Critique that.
    There you come up against feminist theory. 

    We will march for our daughters.
    Yesterday my daughters marched FOR ME!
    I am a feminist and I will look any being in the eye, eye to eye and say being sexually assaulted, discriminated against, told by guidance counselors in high school not to take math because I was a girl and need to worry about getting a man to have babies- among many many other things is exactly why I will always fight and expect to work on women's rights.
    Someday maybe a man will work so my daughter can gain HER PHD.
    That will happen.

    I am a feminist for the children that will come after me who do indeed deserve to see a woman as president and who will understand why that is something that matters.
    Not on a fur or wearing a fur, but working on legislation.

    I am a feminist. I'm not over them. 
    I stand on their shoulders and I vote because of them.

    I will never accept second class rights and unequal pay for equal work. 

    I am fighting for my daughters.
    As they fight for their future.
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I'm a public school elementary teacher from W.V. beginning my career in poverty schools in the 1980's. (I have GIST cancer-small intestinal and syringomyelia which isn't what I want to define me but does help define how I view the meaning of my life.) I am a mom of 3 great children-now grown. I teach 3rd grade in an Underperforming school, teaching mostly immigrant 2nd Lang. children. I majored in art, as well as teaching. Art informs all I do. Teaching is a driving part of my life energy. But I am turning to art soon. I'm married to an artist I coaxed into teaching- now a Superintendent of one of the bigger Districts in the area. Similar population. We both have dedicated inordinate amounts of our life to the field of teaching in areas of poverty hoping to give students opportunities to make better lives. I'm trying to write as I can to the issues of PUBLIC education , trying to gain the sophistication to address the issues in written forms so they can be understood from my teaching contexts.I like to blog from daily experiences. My work is my own, not reflective of any school district.
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