Stages of grief

I think today was among the saddest of my life. And, honestly, I'm writing this more out of that need to say it somewhere, than for an audience.
I'm sure grieving is a process and everyone loses family, friends. I have no feeling I'm singular in this pain. I know others have suffered so much.
That reads like a disclaimer.

God I miss my mother.

I miss having her at home. I miss her.

We ate lunch today at a place called Lure. I don't remember what I had, and I didn't want to go.
I picked Jack up, the day was booming hot, he drove through Saticoy to Ventura, it felt like forever.
Couldn't speak. Still no idea what I've said or done a bit after I go through the motions.
I couldn't think at all having hit a low place in the morning after listening to a depressing  podcast. (Mark Marron and Louis CK-crybabies). I don't even know why I listened to that or how I got there.
After we ate he drove to the crematorium, no I didn't know, and we got Mom's ashes for something we will do when I can think what. Then I looked at the box, and thought about that being my mom. We drove home, I have no idea what way. Because she was a vet we got a flag with the box.
And 5 death certificates so I can post her obituary in the papers.
And give one to my District.
So no one can doubt that the pain is from my mother having a massive heart attack and dying after a horribly hard year or so.

When I got back to the house I looked at the casita she lived in and thought I'd vomit. Then I took a bath after I did vomit, and started reading a book called "I'm Down" about a girl raised by a white man that thought he was black, sorta. Her childhood was as strange as or stranger than mine, so until the Kindle died I was at least away from my feeling so alone.
Then I remembered.

Boy, this is a landslide.

I got some outrageous jury summons to LA in October today. I couldn't do that drive for 6 weeks if I had to. I really would die, accident, driving for me is very hard not to mention my car can't do it. I couldn't feel it- but it felt bad in theory. School starts for me Tuesday, can't imagine functioning for that either. I prep tomorrow. I don't think I can. I have to try to pay bills, take care of my brother from afar-his bills-but I don't feel like I am going to be able. How my husband lost both his parents I do not know.

A close, close friend tells me to end the day with a funny memory of Mom. It's such good advise and as I lay down I'll try hard. I would tell her things to give her stories to imagine, or things to fixate on a bit-not bad-just what the day held, that was almost impossible this last year-but I did manage to tell her almost nothing about what I really faced last school year. But I'm realizing that was something that gave me what connection I have. Her inquiry everyday into my day.
Seven days ago my mom died. I don't think in my life I ever went seven days without talking to her-as a child, yes. I'd go to grandma's for the summer or on some trip with Anise and Gale or shipped to camps. But not as an adult.

My own kids don't seem to need that connection. Not so much.

I am afraid of these changes.
I did build my life around my mom.


Today was a day when sadness, complete loss filled the page.