Killing Me Softly

For quite some time I've been silent.

I would like to talk about #MeToo
Not all my stories because some I still cannot fathom speaking. It may be that's representative of being female. Too much to let out.
But I'd like to try to talk about a thread I'm feeling.


Yes, I'm a teacher, mother, wife, child, many roles lived, and many days lived at 58. I'm fortunate to have reached elderliness and sad about it too. But I've shifted profoundly in my life and #metoo may hit me unlike my own children. But it is not going unnoticed or unappreciated. I never wanted to carry stories to my grave of the kind I carry. That my mother certainly carried. Both for students whose privacy I protect and my own pain so many stories unheard. I wanted to be heard and seen. People suffer living this life.

This year once again I'm listening mostly to families working to raise children. On a day like today-Valentine's Day-I see the tangible evidence of the family-sending in the love and "stuff" of this day. It was knee deep in here-never more represented by time and effort than what I saw today. Amazing. I recall those days in my momming and my childhood. Valentines. I know it's a grander scale now. But I know I had cards. I don't know how I ever got them. It leaks out memories that are painful because my childhood had the stain of kinds of abuse. And troubles. But I had cards and I had caring folks that I treasure that in most cases helped. On Valentines Day I saw some parents today coming in to try and make things be okay for their child. Some were struggling to contain their own pain.

One Momma has been leaking that burden into my inadequate hands. And ears. She's struggling to parent. Truly. And we trust very wearily coming from the mess that was her kidhood-both her parent's failures but also her failures. She says she's forgiven herself and she lapses into blaming, over sharing,into scary  rage. She's literally a train wreck in a visit. I've got a note on my door saying I'm now unavailable due to exhaustion. And that partially because she will reappear to want more.

Her#metoo stories are unfathomable and,yet, not even close to my life. She can't be remotely aware of that because right now I'm just a mirror-a teacher-that one she never had- that she wanted-capable of seeing her and accepting her and helping her.

Who I am is hidden.

So for Valentine's Day I'm speaking to say I think to help women it is a time to hear them, not on the internet or in a letter or in gossip but just as we encounter people and they need to go to a dark and scary place I think we should go along. Nothing about the world as it is would indicate you've "got time for that." Note the sign today on my door-we are exhausted. But so many of us have never been asked-
What happened that you cannot tell?
Why did you hide this?
When you loved someone and they rejected you how was this?
What frightened you?
How was it to be hurt by a loved one?
How could it have happened that?
Explain to me why...
So many things we have needed to just share quietly one to one without paying for it.
On any level.

A few years ago after repeated near death health scares my fences eroded and I wrote.
But in most cases to several people that used that to damage me further or dissect me or reject. Sure, their issue- but ultimately silencing my attempt to piece things together. That's common.
Women experience it often and they know that from all sides as we do it.
 We just "don't have time for it."

What I'm noticing now is a surge or awareness that I see these young mothers trying to process their pain, experience and they need mirrors, concern, wisdom, acceptance and love. Ultimately I understand the need as it lives inside of me as a human need.
I've felt inadequate and at times hassled by having to "go there." And wondered-why me, why today, why not me getting to share?

All I really do know is that their hurt, abuse, rips remind me both of my own but also what I may see passing along into the young as I teach from horrible parenting. It is time we address #metoo as a process of our being with one another in ways that help.

I understand- men you need to change. You haven't ALL damaged someone but you all need to enter the listening and acceptance stage.
You do all need to stop justifying and objectify.And stop women from going there to appeal to your baser self.
You all do need to think of your anger and how it is expressed.
You ALL to a man must monitor one another.

Not a single member of my father's family addressed his rage and his behavior WITH HIM. His sisters took the time to "check my story" with his on-going parade of wives after my mother. They were not listening to me and I'm through needing them-I walled it off.
No Uncle was there for me,

And in my parents and children I see when teaching I see volumes of hearing needed. And changes. Many changes.
It is not scary and we can model this working with our kids. We can hear them, see them and care what is happening but our Social systems and our testing and our data and our Special ed and our lessons are all going to need to change. We are going to need to accept responsibility for our actions and change them.

And we need to make real amends. No longer allow things.

We must stop killing our souls, our hearts, our sisters with our words.
We need to figure out better how to love one another within the context of our humanity and personal situations.

Start by hearing another and see if #metoo is speaking to you.