Ranier Cherries

​well there’s a lot I can’t do here yet. 

Like anything that’s fifteen years since I’ve done it -it is a long time to remember how to post and do cute things with tools…. Simply editing a picture or putting a box around it requires me to go back in time.  I can’t size this or take out my planbook. But I can set some modest goals. It’s going to be very modest.  I’d like to see if I can figure out making some simple editing and displaying moves.  Size a picture and so on.  So far I’m failing. 

I got a bag of cherries today and got to see my son so I feel so thankful for that. I’ve been very sick. I’m weak. I really love Ranier cherries. Simple gift that comes near my birthday.   We went and sat at the airport (my son and I) and I watched several people parachute onto the area right by us.  Completely surprising. Parachutes look so different than when I was young watching with my dad in Morgantown WVa. Quite different. We’d often stop out in the country on the way home from Freda’s farm and watch parachuting.  I saw a guy die doing it. Dad knew what happened but said he’d be ok. I was maybe 8. I knew he was dead. Air stuff is life and death for me. I’ve seen people die at airport shows a number of times. Not today tho.  This brought that back too.  Luca likes to think about flying.  I honestly am going to save so he can take lessons.  My mom could fly a plane. Had a pilot’s license.  She never drove a car though. Today I was thinking of mom and dad, Luca and Jack and parachutes. I was thinking of mom flying and then Luca flying. He’d easily learn how. He can do things like this.  Problem solving in a plane is too intense for me but Luca could probably deal with the pressure.  Mom could. She flew across country by herself  in a two seater. Very brave. I’m sure she liked the solitude. It scared the hell out of me when I was in a plane she flew. 

Sometimes my posts are very random. Today that’s true.  I could have talked to those parachuting folks today if I’d wanted to. They went right by my head.  I was in storage with Luca. He spent a great deal of time there. When homeless.  Then his father dumped a great deal of it into a dump, he said.  Then he moved out -his dad-making me feel I was the worst stink he ever rid himself of. And I felt so confused. I still do. He was in an affair. I had no clue. Six months later I’ve heard nothing but his affair partner is going to sue me for libel  that was screamed into a phone set so it came up unknown number. No point in allowing me to call and scream back.   

I read that to justify an affair Jack would likely villainize me or focus on all the ways in 40 years I didn’t fufill his dream fantasy that his affair partner appears to do.

Large family that approves of adultery. Check.

No issues with him being married or having son who needs his care. Check

Fat shaming, name calling, lawyering up flame. Check

I can’t even go through it again in my mind. And sling more. After 40 years with me 66 and after the last five years of so much family pain I can’t even say I’m disappointed. I’m in grief that will never lift. I’ve stated I feel suicidal. Sitting today with Luca was helpful. He’s spent six months giving me care. Trying to get me to my higher self. Showing me his recovery, allowing me to know a little bit of his world. That is a comfort. Mostly. He faces real demons. Now I do too. All I in life feared or dreaded came to be. Luca is a lot of joy when we have moments like today. I can see why he likes the storage  -on the edge of the airport it lets you feel the scope of the Oxnard plain and the speed of the planes whizzing in. The parachuting was a really fun moment   Luca could parachute. I couldn’t -fear of heights. It’s mostly silent there.

I asked Luca but he didn’t hear me about Father’s Day. We’d already shared a joke he sent his friend that I don’t remember and had a laugh because the barbecue his buddy Aaron was going to got cancelled  it just sort of fit the theme of his dad -unspoken. The guy that cheated on your mom but still wants full credits as a dad is just gone. Replaced by the guy hanging with a person fat shaming and calling your mom crazy. Your mom that would take a bullet for any of her family and who never for a second thought your cheating dad could lie to her. Who would never cheat.  Much less lie daily for several years and keep her constantly feeling so unloved and so low and so hated but yet not own the lying unfaithful crap. Not there as a person feeling her pain. Then when your mom clearly is in trauma double down and make her life living hell by refusal to communicate and then with no honesty what so ever move in with the person who you won’t admit you did this with. That dad. The one no one really wants to know.  The no way wants a Dad Days award for something. But doesn’t remember all your mom has been through or done, and trashed her to his new family. A modern dad.  Shit dad. The guy who looks everyone in the face but can’t express remorse or apologize or even admit his shameful scummy behavior with an absolute loser. 

That guy.  

We just couldn’t laugh over our knowing he broke our family.  He broke us. 

So sat and felt how much gratitude we have for being together. And how much that’s what matters, our love our enduring love for one another. 

Humbling in the face of the present reality Jack dumped on all of us.