My news.

​Utterly exhausted. 

Pretty much that sums up how it is going for me. More tired than I can express. Bone achingly so. I just had a colonoscopy Monday after 15 years. 


That’s a ridiculous amount of time to wait given I had intestinal cancer -GIST. (20 years ago) This cancer was found after years of my bleeding out due to it infiltrating my main abdominal artery. GIST doesn’t typically behave as mine did -colonizing a major blood source. Location allowed it to do this.  I managed to have near death experiences from gastro bleeds that became excruciating peritonitis hospitalizations -requiring blood transfusions and then months of iron infusion. In the worst one I bled so fast and so much (transfused six units of blood)  I had a near death event- but I didn’t experience a light or voices. I experienced profound cold and utter darkness. I felt I chose to fight to stay alive for my kids-I’ve never had time, money or ability to process this. It felt like a spiritual fight to return. For ten years my hemoglobin ran on average below 7 and thalassemia anemia was also apparently correctly detected. Never really managed or treated. I understand now my bone pain. My anemia is through my mother and her mother. So very unusual. So was having a syrinx. (And the scoliosis in my kids.) Again from my mother and her mother. Info I didn’t know what to do with. Despite this I had my kids and just continued teaching-no breaks in demands on me.  I honored that. I just thought -it’s an anemia.
Thalassemia is rearing its head again now to give me clarity about the bone pain I’ve been suffering as truly daily difficulty being in my body. But I really back then carried  more consciousness of severe medical trauma from the massive bleeds, diagnostic tests, pet and cat scans, colonoscopies and endoscopies, blood tests, several hour long iron infusions spanning several years, inability to find source of bleeding, being medically gaslit, the small intestinal scoping, swallowing so much barium, blood transfusions, recommended colostomies from previous botched polyp removals, and really recurring GIST cancers -a long story no one is wanting to hear. No one.
Ten to fifteen years of this before my having a couple of abdominal surgeries (that were months to recover from)while knowing the surgeon gave me a 5% chance of survival five years. With GIST. But I outlasted that five years.  God answered my prayers to see my kids grown.  

Then Covid hit-no way to be ongoingly seen by my gastro doc -who then retired.  Great doc. He in 2017 found my stomach full of tumors-apparently a benign form that are entirely throughout my stomach. But loom. Waiting for that pathology then was actually a particular private hell. I just was too traumatized to continue to do a much needed colonoscopy. Even now I’m not under an actual doctor at the gastro practice replacing him. I’m in a No Man’s Land. Impossible to get a doctor-so far.

My primary care sent me for a colonoscopy because of bloodwork showing thalassemia and a test showing gastric bleeding, so going through them to the old practice for the gastro work, and the gastro nurse practitioner who met with me set this all up. I still await a cat scan -stalled forever because she won’t respond to many messages or calls. And I can’t do contrast. Allergy to iodine. 

But they found and removed six sizable colon growths. And that’s a scare I didn’t know I was in for, despite years of real struggles with gastro pain and worsening toileting symptoms. I’m waiting for that pathology. Now.


Just today my primary doc cancelled my appt next week -for over a month.  Family emergency for two weeks-again. This kind of thing she’s repeatedly done. She’s a relatively new GP because my GP retired. Unreliable in this way and often unavailable or unattainable for appointments. The pulmonary appointment was also rescheduled for more than a month and that’s a real issue. My breathlessness. That growth or mass or something idk in lung lobe.

These colon growths found were all through out the colon from rectum to juncture of small and large intestine. They appear to answer the years of growing unlivable pain. In the past I just had issue at the junction of large and small intestine. Severe pain last few years though in my gut and hiney. Especially in my behind. Some days I cannot sit or go or walk or do anything but hit other parts of my body to distract myself.
  
Why did I let that all go on and on? 
Well best answer was Covid, weird reception in calls to gastro place, fear, many, many kidney stones and then sepsis, health bills mounting, fragile medical conditions, and then this actual betrayal trauma after several years of being aware I was at best shunned and it felt like hated and I basically come last. Even to me. The disturbing times with Luca my son, and the really difficult but unknowable times with my unfaithful spouse.
I had no clarity about what was going on for five years. ( with Luca it was schizophrenia he refused to treat)

Now I’m being forced out of my 39 year marriage-
But I asked or begged him for time.  I asked him for several years to fight this cancer and be alone in health issues. Just a separation.  I don’t want even that, nor have I been asked or agreed even to that. I hope it can happen-but hope isn’t ever functioning in my life.  
I actually really hoped for a day to come to spend time together with Jack after I retired, unaware completely he had an affair or hidden life. Or wanted “freedom.” Maybe I’d eat out with him, or take a drive. I’d worked so hard as a teacher. I longed for a time when he was actually available. As my partner and spouse and my friend. Truly hard now to fully face my stupidity. Never happened. Not even once. I’m not his. I never ever was.   It was never anything more than a chimera.

The growths I think are GIST cancer -it’s like the previous cancer that’s returned-two in exact same location-it is in nerve cell lining. It is so painful. So maybe it is the reason I am so ill. I’m preparing myself for my extremely difficult road ahead.
It is coming. And if told I need colostomy ect as before-I’ll just maybe have to refuse treatment. That’s not for me. First, can’t rack up bills now more than ever. Can’t afford health system or home care. I think now all I carry is growing debt. I am not getting my colon out. I lost a foot of it before. I know how hard to recover it is from that. I know how much support I needed. It’s not ok. I have no home care. Or rides. What happens when I puke or faint? Or have spells of weakness. 
 My mom is now dead. She did so much to care for me. Daily. Walked with me. I’d just die of peritonitis now. Which I’ve had six times. In 40’s -I’m too old to live like this now. Alone.  Having been abandoned. With no consideration around my health. No way. 
I became “medically fragile. “

When I returned home from the colon test, I was served for divorce thirty minutes after arriving. My daughter Sophia was just shocked. She was my lifeline to and from and during the test. In addition it was exactly six months after he abandoned me and to the point Jack said in texts and in person multiple times “no divorce.” That was utterly untrue. He sought a high priced attorney’s advice.  Scaring me. The intention is to stop my writing. 
This will remove my primary insurer. I was still under anesthesia for a day or two. Triggered back into severe betrayal trauma. Severe. 

This all of course ruined seeing Sylvia. My eldest. She only signed up to help me a day or so through the colon test -seeing my fear of it disproportional to test-and clearly I did know how bad things would be there. She got a lot to manage. Trauma is awful when it spills on others.

 I also hold and this triggered the immeasurable unprocessed trauma from my parent’s divorce in the early 1980s-mom’s stroke at that time and mis label of schizophrenia - grandmother in Alzheimer’s being dropped on us, loss of family home ect and am terrified of court related issues. The divorce serving triggered a load of shame, fear, memories. Because of how I had to function in mom’s divorce as both caretaker and legal head of household, at 17- and what I lost then-everything. I met Jack at that time. Also things then I can’t revisit mentally. Cannot keep down in my psyche. I can explicate more at some point. Maybe not. I was always forthright with Jack about all of this. I cannot divorce. I can’t. Not won’t-can’t. 

I’m falling into complete loss of my fragile mental health.
But he has kept this filing in place. That’s his priority. My responding writing to that abandonment pissed him off. I’m not capable of what he demands. And 
I am not responsible for his choices. I am not. I have had zero input.

I’m radically honest. Not a welcome quality. No one has ever been able to understand me basically in Jungian terms. But I am that. That’s where I’m evolving. This is doing this. 

So as a result I am forced to respond to being sued for divorce and I’m not sure I’m in a well enough state to do this.
Actually I’m not. I can’t read it for instance. There’s no funds to seek counsel. 

Syl left today. I would safely say she carries real trauma from this visit and all of us know my health has not and is not -ever held a priority.  But it is a dangerous cliff everyone is suspended on.

So I’ve made my peace with God and my karma as best I can. It will not be all okay in how I define that. But if I’m absent on internet this is why. I’m also in ruebedo.  Evolving. I am just anticipating my loss of home, coming homelessness, no stability, no ways to help my child Luca, that I feel so profoundly, and moving with worst case cancer scenarios. It is all manifesting. Jack pushed it into being. Which is coming. As I said a month or so back. When pain doubled me over. The horror of all of this for me. 

Since this kind of thing has loomed over my entire life unrelentingly I’m now deeply considering it -what I came here to understand. My meaning. You can do your best. It can be utterly meaningless. Just like the vows I took. 

Well that’s my update. I am still trying to keep up on what others in my wider world are facing and so on. But just for now my betrayal and medical and parental past trauma and PTSD are so severe for me, I’m lousy to be around and of no use to family and friends. Holding love. Can not take in and hold anything. (Zazie’s -my first grands significant operation almost here.) And I understand why I’m falling apart. 
My love to all.