on Fighting Cancer
Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day
You battle through it as an exhausted warrior.
Now counting backward strides for granted forward moments of life,
Daunting to wake and maintain this struggle with disillusioned grief, pain, fear,love,
Knowing less each day. And then it's another test. Another round. Another test. Less. Less.
Remembering sometimes quietly those that didn't win anything on this front line, losses,
Signing, accepting the fixes, opinions, plans, head down waiting for something you can't want.
Medical cures, trials, this "industry" having to construct a wall that feels a thoughtlessness
Only taking offense when we remind them of the personal "me" prices paid,
For their experiments, by our human psyche just needing time to vent it's fatigue.
You want to be cuddled in your corner of a bed away from the lights of treatments
Compassionate responses get harder to recognize, undergirding you for the next loss,
Marked by dispassion, treating you without the capacity to connect their actions to your relief.
For then they might connect to your suffering too, debilitating knowledge this shared horror
You did nothing wrong. They did nothing wrong. In a wrong place, wrong time.In an office.
But you are marred with internal adhesions by the injustice of all of it. All wrong.Wrongs.
Nothing about this brings confusion to clarity. Dimming you. Wrong words. It is.
You just battled to be here. Brave but vanquished. Trying to find inner strengths.
Distinguishing an enemy or a nurse, cure or poison, shot, love, injection, tube, swallow
Difficult maintaining the polite distances and civility, reasonableness.
The silent scream will allow you no voice. Yes, no. No underwear today? No I'll hold my things.
Pull off things, you want to burn them as you disrobe for another wait for the cold of the processes.
Gurney taking away another piece of self. Remove your ring please. A rule.
Remove you, please, it is time to send yourself away. Just the body, my body.
Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day.
I have an assignment for a graduate class to find two blogs that I would like to subscribe to, and why. I teach first grade in Philadelphia, PA and your blog caught my eye very quickly because of the first grade connection. Wow...what an inspiration you are andthe "Let It Be" video and preface spoke to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you and good luck!
I hope that the assignment goes well I love a blog called "Borderland" by Doug Noon on education.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the affirmation.
I love first grade, I bet Philly is cold as can be now. My mom's family had the dairy in Doylestown PA years back so we would get to Philly when i was young. I surely loved it there.
Lots of luck on the class,
sarah