September 9th

In 1989 in Salinas Memorial they started the
Pitocin at 6 AM, at 8 AM I was heaving off
The bed but the doctor was not "there" so they
Turned it down and stopped the birth awhile
I then pushed for over 6 hours until I vomited
Into the mask, fainted and damaged my heart
(They did not at that time, nor for years,
Have any spinal or other forms of pain relief for moms)
Except a shot of something I couldn't have.
And at 4 almost 5 after damaging her eye in the most botched
Process ever Sylvia Mary, my child, came to the world
Minus the vision of her eye and red as a beet.


Because of the damage to my heart and the trauma
I experienced profound euphoria.
Unlike anything I've ever felt in this life.
It runs counter to your notions of this experience.
But I was holding a child, my child,
I was alive and she was alive
And I knew enough to know this was so.
Poorly done we might have both been lost.
We bear the marks, she the eye and me the
Arrhythmias and other problems that September 9th
Left us to bear for lifetimes.

Sylvia raised her head and looked around like a little turtle
They put them on their tummies in those days.
She surveyed the scene and recognized voices
Having zero tolerances for vacuums and loud
Sounds, something that continues in some ways.
We stayed overnight and came home but I was shaky and can't
Remember taking care of her for the first
Week except for nursing, I was kind of a ripped mess
Botched doctoring in many ways.
Having 50 stitches from the fore-cepts
My momma and her Poppa took over.

When Sylvia was about three weeks old my Mom went home.
And I was alone. That first day
I waited for her to take a nap, she never would sleep
And she fell softly to doze and quietly
I got myself a shower, a luxury
And got in the car, alone, thinking
I'll run get groceries and milk -when it hit me
I was leaving a baby inside my house
Alone. That's when I understood finally
What being a mother might really be about.

I sat in the car a minute and cried.
Not so many people ever really understand
This story but it was a profound change
And loss of self, coming in a very rapid
Way into my growing awareness
That weekend at about the same time she was born the
Loma Prieta earthquake hit
And a huge bookcase swayed and almost
Dumped on her sleeping in a bassinet except
Jack ran and caught her up to my
Telling him it was a huge earthquake to get to her
We were a few miles from the "epicenter".

Few believe this but it was about the same time
She started talking, at three months Sylvia could
Say "good girl", and many other things
By 9 months she recited 200 nursery rhymes.
I thought this was exciting and normal.
Her pediatrician told me that she was extraordinary
And should be in some study and then
Gave me the news shortly after the quake
That her dented in chest was a condition
Requiring surgery and a referral was made to
Dr. Shocket in Stanford at that time
Plus she said her eye should get corrected surgically.

It was quite a bit for a nervous, exhausted,
Teaching, working, isolated new momma to get
One who weighed 92 pounds who was fainting and soon had
Cancer in her colon and a botched operation
And rapid heart issues from the delivery damage
And an expanded syrnix so that my head pounded
And I could not see from blinding headaches for 9 months
Called "stress" but actually a severe
Neurological problem that made me decide
Doctors largely screw up and that
No matter what I'd love my kids and
Get them books and do everything I could while I could
To give them the kind of childhood they deserved.

We went to parks and to plays
Bought everything that ever was printed
Looked around Monterey until it was our place
We whale watched and bookstored and
Ate warm doughnuts and found furry
Animals, rode tractors picked trees and
Pumpkins. decorated, drew, painted, slopped
And made muffins, danced with duckie umbrellas
Saw that purple dinosaur Barney, laughed at Big Sur
Met a few seals, were splashed at sea world
Lived and breathed around the ocean
And I lived inside my fears of her surgeries while
Giving to Sylvia every thing in the Land of Play
I knew to give because I kind of felt

That one day this very bright and shining
Piece of wonder that was entrusted to my care
Might really be, as I felt again on the birth of her sister and brother,
Sent to this earth to help it be a better place, to
Become a being that walks gently
And uses all that they are, all that they have
To reach out to others to love
To put into their actions and their days working
Their capacity, gifts, freedoms and blessings
Towards living a life that considers the lives of others
That sees we are all here in our world with
The eyes and mind to see all the children, the pain, the suffering
Suffering I now knew.....and blessings I now had
To raise my babies to be in love with learning
And live able to give their heart to our world
And in turn find meaning and happiness.

Today Sylvia is 18, an adult to many.
By now her great grandmom on my father's side had
Three of her children and was both raising them
And growing and canning and fixing their food.
We come to this time and this space
Standing on the shoulders of all that went before us
Giving to us the opportunity to reach
For our dreams and realize our potentials
And for Sylvia this day of birth is such a
Celebration, as she well knows of struggle,
Beauty, love, hardships, triumphs, days gone by
Days to Come. A child was born and
We need to sing our praise of that day.